Sean “CF” Murphy: Looking for a Spot to Take a Stand

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Hello Citizens! Sean “CF” Murphy, Republican candidate for President. I’m here to ask for your help.

As you know, over the course of a political campaign, there comes a time when a candidate is asked where they stand on a variety of issues.

Well, friends, for me that time has come. Recently I received a questionnaire in the mail from the Center for Arizona Policy, a non-partisan organization sponsored by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family. I was supposed to fill out the form and return it to them so they could share my views on key issues with the public.

The fourteen questions covered everything from the Iraq War to Gay rights, abstinence education, and the Kyoto Protocol. The thing is they didn’t tell me what the right answers were.

My GOP opponents have already staked out their territory: McCain’s a maverick, Huckabee’s a God-fearing dieter and Ron Paul hates black people. But I’m the one candidate that’s man enough to look you in the good eye and say, “I don’t know.”

These are some incredibly sensitive issues and I’d hate to risk alienating voters by answering them incorrectly. As it turned out, I circled “undecided” for all fourteen questions. I haven’t heard back from them yet.

Look, I just want to win. Why do they have to complicate things? Abortion? I don’t know. Immigration? Beats me. Kyoto? Where is it?

This is where you come in. I want you, citizens—I need you to tell me where I stand on these things. My administration will be for the people, of the people, but most importantly by the people. Once I get in office I’ll be expecting you to do most of the work anyway so why not start now? I urge you to contact me as soon as possible and tell me where I should stand on any issues you can think of. Whatever the majority of you decide is where I will end up taking my firm stand…for now.

Thank you Citizens and thank you America.

My name is Sean “CF” Murphy and I approved this message…unless you think I shouldn’t have.

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2 Responses

  1. It’s refreshing to see a candidate admit he’s an idiot and reach out to the rest of us idiots for help formulating policy. Since Sean “Crusty Focacia” Murphy has asked, I’ve got a few ideas, to whit:
    Abortion: okay only in cases of extraterrestial probing that result in pregnancy or egg laying.
    Gun ownership: okay only for howitzers.
    Pet Licensing: mandatory, even for fish, especially for fish, and especially for the little blue ones with the orange tails.
    Taxes: flat tax of 35% in Washington, D.C., 34.9% everywhere else, except Puerto Rico on Thursdays, unless it’s raining.
    Steroids in baseball: yes, and I would like to see a combination of baseball and American Gladiators.
    Energy: AAA batteries only.
    And, Murphy, if you need an ambassador to the Netherlands, I’m your man.

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