Sean “CF” Murphy: “What I Don’t Know is Unimportant”

Sean “CF” Murphy’s address to the Saturday Morning Breakfast Club:

Hello Citizens, my name is Sean “CF” Murphy and I’m running for President of America on the Republican ticket. Before I begin I would like to take a moment and tell you what an honor it is for me to be able to address you today. Just by showing up on this chilly morning you’ve all demonstrated a deep, heartfelt commitment to keeping our country the greatest in the world, and in these days of terroristical threats, porous borders, and pregnant teenage pop stars that’s a rare commodity indeed.

Which brings me to my main point; I am not here today seeking your support out of some sort of belief that I have a god-given right to be President or through a sense of divine entitlement. Nor do I think I have the answers to the countless terrifying obstacles we face, both personally and nationally, on a daily basis. I am running in this election, and I’m running in it to win, because I possess a quality that I have yet to see in any of my opponents, Democrat or Republican; a character trait that has so far eluded everyone but me.

When faced with a tough question regarding a sensitive issue or policy matter I am not afraid to face the public eye-to-eye and admit “I don’t know.” When was the last time you heard a politician say that? Be honest.

The other candidates all want to be the first to tell you what they think is best for the country. To me that’s nothing but blind arrogance. What I don’t know is for now unimportant. What’s important is what you think. Before you jump to any conclusions let me tell you that having no idea where I stand is not a weakness, but a strength and is only half of what will make me a great President. The other half is you, fellow citizens.

In conjunction with my refreshing candor I also posses an unquenchable thirst for new ideas and have two open ears to hear them with. I stand before you man enough to tell you that I need help and I don’t want it from special interest groups, other politicians, big-oil barons or underground think-tanks but from people like you, and you, and you. People I might meet on the street, or at the carwash, the pharmacy or the bank. Real people bursting with real experience, real passion and original ideas. I’m a man on a mission but I don’t know what it is yet. Will you help? Immigration, abortion, taxation, you name it. Most of you have already done the research on these and many other issues to form some kind of opinion that qualifies you as an expert in my book. You truly have your finger on the pulse of this Nation’s life blood. I simply don’t have the time to study this many different subjects and as President I’ll have even less. That’s why all of you are so important. The first thing I’ll do after being elected is pitch a big tent. Many will be welcome, but not all. There will be no place in my administration for the slothful, the gluttonous, the petty, or the insider fat-cats who are already bought-and-sold by the monies that be. I will seek out only the strongest-willed, most able-bodied and quick-minded people to work with. People like you. Visionary souls who are capable not only of visualizing the complications and limitations of the future but who wisely dread the hidden dangers lurking there as well. To illustrate this I’ve developed something called the Uni-Modular President/Citizen Solution Matrix. I will have copies of this to pass around later (it is trademarked by the way) but for now I’ll attempt to briefly explain it. It’s a simple design; here we have the basic structure, the matrix of problem solving. The first thing you’ll notice is that the President (me) and the Citizen (you) are on equal footing; the way it should be. While both of us experience the problem together, if we do not work in equal collaboration, or if one of us has to work too hard because of the weakness of the other, then the support beam on either side will collapse in on itself, plunging everything into the nothingness of the unknown. Obviously, this is not what we as sane humans want. By working together, not as employer/employee or leader/follower the structure stands firm, the problem is solved, and America continues to thrive. Not only do I promise to hold up my side of the matrix once elected, but I am ready to start now. I want to win. I want your vote. I need to know where you want me to stand on a wide variety of issues so you can check-off my name confident that I will be doing what you want me to. I need to hear from you. Tell me your ideas, your positions on the issues, your solutions to the problems. These gems of wisdom will form the basis of my campaign and strengthen the beams of my policy matrix. Please share your ideas and opinions with me so that I will be a better candidate for myself now and a better President for you later. Unfortunately, time runs short this morning but there are fliers available for any of you that are interested in becoming part of the solution. I urge you to please visit the website and share the gift of knowledge. Together we can craft a winning platform for me – and America.

And now, if time permits, I would be happy to answer not less than two and not more than four questions. Please forgive me; I am not much of a people person.


Thank you, Citizens.


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